My husband and I got married, purchased a home and got furniture when we were both over 30 years old. After getting married, it took us about 4 months to be able to go on a honeymoon mainly because of my husbands work schedule and our recovering budget.You can image how expensive all of these can be especially when all are done within 9 month period.
I always wanted to stop working full time when we have kids, which my husband and I were in agreement with. My plan was to work part time or work from home where I can be present in our kid’s lives. Therefore, we decided to wait for about 2 years as newlyweds to save some money, get used to our newlywed lifestyle more, and to prepare better as future parents to establish a better future for our kids. Oh well, this did not go as we planned…
They say God laughs when you start planning
They say if you survive first year of marriage, then you 80% likely to stay married. We had some troubles in our first year of marriage. Working late nights, inadequate communication, not showing affection, being angry but not talking either not to escalate the situation. Most of the time, I was a ticking bomb waiting to explode while my husband seemed to be clueless which made me more furious. Typical male-female relationship conflicts right?!
On a Friday, my husband asked out to dinner to get over this silent war between us. We went to a sushi lounge, ate and drank a lot. We got home 3 in the morning, and it has been awhile since we had that much fun and stayed out that late as well. That was the night or early morning that we had a little unplanned incident. Oooops!!
Saturday afternoon, I woke up with a massive headache and a terrible hangover. My husband was feeling ok which may be due to I am 5’ 4” 120 lb and he is 6’ 3” 210 lbs and we had similar amount of alcohol. I asked him to stop by our local CVS to get some Gatorade and Plan B.
You cannot go wrong with Plan B right? I had never taken it before but it was the back up plan. We never had any incidents before and taking plan B would be FINE since people tried for 1-1.5 years before they got pregnant. We sure were not worried about anything. At least that weekend…
I do not use birth control and my periods are usually 32 days apart, and if I am having a stressful month then 35 days apart. I was about 10 days late even though I have all period symptoms; soreness in the chest, mood swings, increased appetite, slight cramps in the abdominal area. It was a Wednesday night when I got home from work and my husband and I were sitting at the dining table. I just turned to him and said, “Its 10 pm and I am craving for rotisserie chicken, I do not even like chicken, that’s weird.” He just stared at me without saying anything, he did not have to since we both had the same question crossing our minds…
Am I pregnant?
Nah, I am not. Think positive
Why am I craving for freaking chicken? I do not even like chicken
Maybe I am pregnant
Why did not I get my stupid period yet?
Maybe if I go to the bathroom, I ll see that I got my period
It must be hormonal why would I want chicken?
Do I have a pregnancy test at home?
I just got up quietly and went to the bathroom looking for a pregnancy test. Found an old one, still in the wrapper but without a box. Decided to take it. What the heck, right? I was going to prove myself that I was freaking out for no reason. Took the test I googled how to predict the results. if there is one line, its negative and if there is a cross line that means its positive. I put the test flat on a piece of tissue, as I was watching the line appear and it appeared to be negative.
I took a deep breath in and I was so relieved. I was freaking out for no reason. I decided to to throw the test out to garbage and not even tell my husband about it. As I was celebrating not being pregnant, I saw a faint cross line. My eyes bulged out and my heart started racing. In a split second I started freaking out. A full freak out where my ears were ringing, my hands are sweaty and I thought my heart was pounding so loudly that it was going to come out of my chest.
I just picked up the stick and tilted it a bit to see if it was shadow and not a plus sign. The line was so faint I could not tell if it was a real positive or negative. The test was an old one so maybe was expired. I took the test to my husband. I saw him still sitting at the table.
My thoughts started rushing again…
Was I really pregnant?
If I was pregnant, were we going to keep the baby?
I was freaking out
this was a really bad time to have a baby since our marriage was rocky
We are fighting too much
What are we going to do now?
I cannot keep this baby
I cant have an abortion, the idea is just creepy
Am I really pregnant?
Is this test even accurate?
If I am really pregnant, this is such a messed up way to tell your husband
This is supposed to be a celebratory moment, this sucks!!
I called his name with a crackling voice and showed him the test before I asked him to go to CVS and get another test. He was caught offguard first, but then with a smile on his face he said “ do not worry hun, you are not pregnant”.
After about 15 minutes, he came back with 2 boxes with 4 tests total. We took 2 of the tests and both were very faint positive same as the first one I took. Since we could not get a definite answer, we decided to take a digital one that only has “yes” or “no” on the result window. We were about to find out that all the tests were at fault and we were not pregnant. Then the digital test said YES.
What do now… Test is a (+)
I just sat down on the bathroom floor with my back against the wall, and started crying. My husband sat down with his head on his hands. We were both shocked. After a long silence, he asked me what I wanted to do and he would support me on my decision. I was very confused because time was not right. I still thought we could be more ready if we studied parent hood, and have more money in our savings and we needed to be in a better place in our marriage. I told him about my concerns and how torn apart I was whether or not we could keep this baby. Then he dropped the bomb saying he was not ready and he did not want to have a child now. It was like a slap on my face.
Hey, I was not 100% “yes! awesome! we are going to be parents” but just hearing that he can’t from my husband, felt really cold and I felt alone. I told him that I would find a nearby abortion center and make an appointment. I told him that I was not sure if I was going to be able to handle an abortion emotionally and if I would ever be the same person with a broken heart. I just got off the floor and went to bed since it was way past midnight already.
Hoping I would fall asleep and wish It was just a bad dream in the morning, I tossed and turned in bed all night long.
What am I going to do?
This could have been a blessing in disguise
You cannot control life regardless of how much planning you do
I am 31 and my husband is almost 37 years old, we can have a baby
He does not want to have a baby
Am I going to force my husband to have a baby?
How can you force someone to have a baby with you?
I wonder if I can feel the baby
What am I going to do?
I prayed all night long and in the morning called my mom on my way to work. Now, I am kind of a private person where I do not really talk much about my married life to anyone. Talking about the night before to my mom, took a lot of courage since it was not about my marriage, it was about another life, and the decision was up to me. This was going to be a hard one. When I called my mom, I told her the whole story. Told her about why we could not keep the baby, and told her about how we could make it possibly work.
After along silence, my mom said:
“You are 31, married, have an income, this is your first pregnancy and you are keeping the baby. It is very unhealthy to get an abortion and both families are here to help both of you. If his family hears about this, they will also tell you to keep the baby.”
ME: but he made it clear that he does not want the baby. What am I going to do? Force him into something he does not want. What if this situation just drives him away and I have to raise a child in a broken home? I had no idea how the future was going to shape with either decision we were going to make.
Hearing my concerns, my mom finally said,
“This is what I want you to do. Both of you are still in shock. You need to sit down and talk about this, not at midnight at a reasonable time that both your heads are clear. Talk about financial aspect, talk about how you both feel about this situation. After talking about it thoroughly if you still decide to go ahead with an abortion, then I want you to a doctor to ensure you will not have difficulty with getting pregnant again in the future. As long as your health will not be at risk, then you have my full support.”
That was the end of our conversation. When I got to work, I was a bit relieved that I was going to be able to distract my self to clear my mind from this issue. I also realized that I was forming a little bond with the little one that was getting stronger and stronger.
When I got home, taking my mom’s advice, I told my husband that we needed to talk. I did not know where to start from but I had to start from somewhere, right?!
ME:I think we are still in shock and there is an important issue we need to talk about. I want to hear reasons on why you do not want to have this child
My husband: I want to have a child, I want to have three kids with you but I am not sure if we are ready financially. You always mentioned you want to be a stay home mom when kids are small then go back to work part time when they are school age and I do not think we can afford you not working at this moment with all the payments we have. I thought if we wait a little longer, we can pay off most of our debt, have some savings and better prepare for the parenthood. All my concerns are financial.
ME: I know this is not the best time to have a child but sometimes things do not go as planned. I do not think it is very likely that a couple gets at first shot, then the Plan B does not work even though we took it within 12 hours and it is 99% effective. I was shocked and not too happy at first but now I started thinking that this is a miracle from god and god will open many doors for us to raise this child the way we want. Also, our families are very supportive and they will step in with any help we will need.
Husband: I agree but what are we going to do financially?
ME: When I said, I want to be a stay home mom, I meant when baby arrives not during my pregnancy. I also work only 4 days and can be home with the baby 3 days after my maternity leave. We can also turn our tax return into savings for the little one instead of paying it all to our debt. We will hold off on any renovations we want to do around the house until next year when we are in a better financial standing.
Husband: If that is the case, then we can afford this baby. We can do this. Does that mean I am going to be a father? (at this point his face was all lit up.)
ME: Looks like we are going to be parents (with a smile on my face)
We just sat still for a minute just living the moment, feeling relieved that a storm as passed until my husband said:
Wait a minute. We took Plan B, does that mean we will have a disabled child?
I felt like someone punched me in the stomach, at that point my smile left its place for a worrisome expression.
ME: I do not know. I really do not know. What are we going to do? We have an appointment with the abortion clinic tomorrow maybe we can ask them and they will know.
The next day before our appointment, I called up the office and spoke to talk to a nurse. This is how the conversation went:
ME: I have an appointment this morning and we took plan B within 12 hours of conception and still got pregnant. Do you know if Plan B causes any congenital deformities or developmental delays? We want to have an abortion only if other baby will be unhealthy due to Plan B
Nurse: We can examine you when you get here so see you at your appointment time.
When we got to the clinic, there were protestors in front of the door with banners and flyers approaching people. What an uncomfortable situation! You could not just avoid them since they were right at the entrance. When they saw my husband and I walking, they turned our way and started protesting. I certainly did not like being the center of that kind of attention. One of them directly asked me if she could give me a flyer, and I just step back and in an assertive voice said, “We are not here to get an abortion.” After a moment of silence, she said “oh ok” and they all stopped protesting and let us enter the building. I do not know why they thought we were at the abortion clinic; to apply for a job?! I was at least relieved when we were in the building. When we entered the office, it was a bit dark, and the energy was very stagnant. I did not want to spend any more time than what I needed to for sure. I think I was also taken back because I was surprised to see how crowded it was inside and how many young teenagers were present, basically kids pregnant with kids. Did not sit right with me honestly.
When the receptionist asked me to sign in, I told her:
ME: We have an appointment but we are not here for an abortion. At least, we do not know if we need to get an abortion. I called this morning and talked to a nurse and she asked me to come in to conduct a further examination because we used Plan B and got pregnant and want to know if we are at risk for any developmental delays or congenital problems.
At this point, the receptionist was clueless and she said we only do abortions here. One of the ladies in the cubicle approached me and introduced herself and told me she talked to me in the morning and took us to the room.
Nurse: I know I talked to you in the morning and I want you to tell me exactly what happened.
After I told her the whole spiel, she continued..
Nurse: Honestly, we cannot tell if your baby will have any type of problems because no one has studies side effects of Plan B on pregnancy. I would advise you to Google it. Also, you need an OB/GYN to do a through exam.
You can imagine how annoyed we were. Bitch, you could have told me that on the phone. #1 why do you waste my time #2 Why did you make me drive here #3 Google the answer?! @$%&# That certainly does not help with our situation.
When we got home, I called my insurance to verify my benefits and requested a list of OBGYNs who take my insurance. I did not want to go to any doctor, wanted to go to a good doctor so I started to research all the names on my list. Most of the doctors had only 2 or 3 stars, some comments included how that specific doctor was very much money oriented, another one said you had to wait an hour to be seen, another one said that doctor no longer attended labor and would only do clinical visit during your pregnancy. On the 6th page, I came across an OBGYN whose clinic was 5 minutes away with 5/5 stars for all 22 reviews. That was it. I called his office, talked to the secretary and took the earliest appointment for the following Wednesday. After the secretary confirmed my appointment, she said, “I will let the doctor know that you took Plan B. If he thinks, you may be at a high risk; he will send you to a high-risk center. Unless I call you by Tuesday, come in on Wednesday.” And that was the start of another waiting period..
What does the internet say about Plan B
I was not going to be able to sit still until Wednesday so I googled Plan B. To my surprise, there were so many people out there who got pregnant after using Plan B and gave birth to HEALTHY babies. After reading so many comments on many websites, forums, blogs I started feeling a little better. In the back of my head, I still carried “what if” suspicion however, my heart told me not to worry about a thing.
I kept checking my phone for the next 5 days hoping I would not get a call from the doctor’s office bearing bad news. By Tuesday night, I was very happy that I did not get a phone call, and then I thought to myself what if they forgot to call me. I decided to give them a call Wednesday morning before I leave home for my upcoming appointment. I was told to come in.
When we got to the doctors office, after doing all the paperwork, we were taken to the exam room. I was talked to take my clothes off and put on a gown for the doctor to perform an ultrasound. When the doctor walked in, It was kind of weird greeting him as I lifted my head through in between my legs and meeting him that way. I am sure he is used to it but I was not. At that point, I was just happy that we were finally going to get an answer on whether or not we were going to have a healthy pregnancy.
He said, “I know you took Plan B and you have some concerns. Plan B works if the sperm has not penetrated the egg yet. If the fertilization already occurred then your body just discards Plan B so no need to worry about anything.”
There was the answer I was waiting for! I felt light as a feather! I was 5 weeks pregnant, baby did not really looked like a baby and we thought looked more like peanut than a baby. Everything was normal and it was too early to detect a heartbeat so doctor gave another follow up appointment in 2 weeks. He advised us not to announce our pregnancy and added, “Your chance of having a miscarriage is about 15 % and it drops to 2% once we hear the heart beat.” We somehow had to keep our mouth shut for another two weeks.
When we went back 2 weeks later, we were thrilled to hear the heartbeat, 164 beats per minute. Knowing you are pregnant is very different than hearing your little one’s heartbeat for the first time. As a new soon-to-be-mom, I already had a connection with my little one. When I heard the heartbeat, I fell in love. We were at the very beginning of a long, exciting journey called parenthood.
Babyhood: A to Z 